What should I say to my partner who has postpartum depression?

Say: 'I believe you, this is real', 'You're doing a great job even though it doesn't feel that way', 'This is temporary and treatable', 'I'm here with you', 'What do you need right now?'. Avoid: 'Just think positive', 'You should be grateful', 'I had it worse', 'Just push through it', or minimizing her feelings. Validation and presence matter more than solutions.

How can I help my partner with postpartum depression at home?

Take initiative with household tasks (don't ask what needs to be done—just do it). Handle night duties at least 2-3 nights per week so she can sleep. Prepare or arrange meals. Take the baby for 2-3 hour stretches daily so she can rest, shower, or have alone time. Remove decision-making burden by planning and executing tasks. Monitor her symptoms and encourage professional help if she resists.

Is my partner's postpartum depression my fault?

No. Postpartum depression is caused by hormonal changes, sleep deprivation, genetic factors, and life stress—not by anything you did wrong. However, your support (or lack thereof) can impact her recovery. The most important things you can do now are: validate her experience, help with practical tasks, encourage treatment, and be patient with the recovery process.

When should I insist my partner get professional help for postpartum depression?

Seek emergency help (911 or ER) if she has thoughts of harming herself or baby, hallucinations, or severe confusion. Strongly encourage therapy within 24-48 hours if: symptoms persist beyond 2 weeks, she's getting worse not better, severe anxiety or panic attacks, unable to care for herself or baby, or if she's isolating completely. Don't wait for her to ask for help—depression impairs decision-making.

How to Support a Partner with Postpartum Depression: A Complete Guide for Partners

Q: Can I also get postpartum depression as a father/partner?

Yes. Paternal postpartum depression affects approximately 10% of new fathers, especially if their partner has PPD. Symptoms include irritability, withdrawal, loss of interest, anxiety, and feeling overwhelmed. If you're experiencing these symptoms, seek help—taking care of yourself allows you to better support your partner and care for your baby.

Your partner is struggling with postpartum depression, and you want to help but don't know how. This guide will show you how to recognize PPD, what to say and do, practical ways to support recovery, and how to take care of yourself while supporting her.

Support Essentials at a Glance

Recognize

Learn the signs

Communicate

What to say

Act

Practical help

Self-Care

Support yourself

Recognizing Postpartum Depression in Your Partner

Many partners don't recognize postpartum depression because they expect new motherhood to look different. Here's what PPD actually looks like:

Persistent Sadness or Hopelessness

She cries frequently, says things like "I can't do this," "I'm a terrible mother," or "Everyone would be better off without me." She seems stuck in negative thinking and can't see a way forward.

Extreme Anxiety or Panic

She's constantly checking on the baby, calling the pediatrician repeatedly, or expressing catastrophic fears ("What if the baby stops breathing?"). She may have panic attacks or seem unable to calm down.

Withdrawal or Detachment

She's not engaging with you or the baby. Going through the motions mechanically. Not responding to texts or calls from friends. Seems emotionally "checked out" or numb.

Rage or Irritability

Explosive anger over small things, snapping at you constantly, or expressing rage she can't control. This is often overlooked but is a common PPD symptom. Learn about postpartum rage.

Changes in Sleep or Appetite

Can't sleep even when the baby sleeps (anxiety-driven insomnia) or sleeping excessively. Not eating or overeating. These aren't just from having a newborn—they're more extreme.

Difficulty Bonding with Baby

She says she doesn't feel connected to the baby, avoids holding or interacting with baby when possible, or expresses guilt about not feeling maternal love. This is one of the most shame-inducing symptoms and hardest for her to admit.

Intrusive Thoughts

She may share (or hide) scary, unwanted thoughts about harm coming to the baby. If she's terrified by these thoughts and doesn't want to act on them, this is postpartum OCD or anxiety, not psychosis. Learn about postpartum OCD.

🚨 EMERGENCY: Seek Immediate Help If:

• She expresses thoughts of harming herself or the baby
• She's seeing or hearing things that aren't there (hallucinations)
• She's extremely confused, disoriented, or has bizarre beliefs (delusions)
• She's unable to care for herself or the baby

→ Call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room. Do not leave her alone with the baby if she's expressing thoughts of harm.

What to Say (and Not Say) to Your Partner

The words you use matter. Here's how to communicate support effectively:

✓ HELPFUL Things to Say

✓ "I believe you. This is real."
✓ "You're doing a great job, even though it doesn't feel that way."
✓ "This is temporary and treatable. You will feel better."
✓ "I'm here with you. You're not alone in this."
✓ "What do you need right now?"
✓ "It's okay to not be okay."
✓ "You're a good mother, and the baby is lucky to have you."
✓ "Let's get you some help. There's no shame in that."
✓ "I can see you're struggling. That must be so hard."
✓ "I love you. We'll get through this together."

✗ AVOID Saying (Even if Well-Intentioned)

✗ "Just think positive" / "Try to be grateful"
✗ "You should be enjoying this"
✗ "Other moms have it worse"
✗ "Just push through it" / "Snap out of it"
✗ "You're being dramatic" / "You're overreacting"
✗ "You wanted this baby"
✗ "At least the baby is healthy"
✗ "I don't understand what you're so upset about"
✗ "You just need more sleep" (minimizing)
✗ "This is making things hard for me too" (when she's in crisis)

Why toxic positivity doesn't work: Telling someone with depression to "just be positive" is like telling someone with a broken leg to "just walk it off." Depression is a medical condition, not a choice or attitude problem. Validation and professional help—not pep talks—lead to recovery.

Practical Ways to Support Your Partner

Support is about actions, not just words. Here's how to concretely help:

1. Prioritize Her Sleep Above All Else

Sleep deprivation is the #1 contributor to PPD. Make her sleep non-negotiable:

• Take night duty 2-3 nights per week minimum (full nights if formula-feeding; bring baby to her for feeds if breastfeeding, then handle everything else)

• Enforce a daily nap—you take the baby for 2-3 hours while she sleeps

• Protect her sleep: handle baby wake-ups on your nights, keep household quiet during her rest time, don't wake her unless emergency

• Consider hiring a night nurse for 1-2 nights per week if financially possible

2. Take Initiative with Household Tasks

Don't ask "What can I do to help?"—that puts another decision on her already overwhelmed mind. Just do things:

• Meals: Cook, order takeout, or prep easy meals. Keep her fed and hydrated.

• Laundry: Do it all. Don't wait for hampers to overflow.

• Dishes: Clean kitchen daily. She shouldn't see a sink full of dishes.

• Tidying: Keep common areas reasonably tidy (not perfect, just functional)

• Groceries: Shop without being asked. Restock essentials proactively.

• Bills/Admin: Handle paperwork, bills, appointments for household (not baby-related medical)

3. Take Full Ownership of Baby Care Multiple Times Daily

She needs breaks where she's completely "off duty":

• Take the baby for 2-3 hour stretches daily (leave the house with baby so she can truly rest)

• Handle morning routine on weekends so she can sleep in

• Do all diaper changes and baths on your work-from-home days

• Take over one full feeding routine daily (bottle or pumped milk)

• Learn baby's routines so you're an equal caregiver, not a helper

4. Encourage and Facilitate Professional Help

Don't wait for her to "want" therapy—depression impairs motivation and decision-making:

• Research therapists who specialize in postpartum depression in Austin (Bloom Psychology is a good place to start)

• Make the appointment for her if she's too overwhelmed to do it

• Handle childcare during therapy sessions

• If she resists, gently persist: "I know you don't feel like it, but this is important. I've made an appointment for Tuesday. Let's just try one session."

• Attend a session with her if the therapist allows (partners are often included)

5. Screen Visitors and Set Boundaries

Protect her from unhelpful visitors and manage expectations:

• Limit visitors to those who actually help (bring food, do chores, leave quickly)

• Politely decline or postpone visits from people who stress her out

• Handle communication with family: "She's not up for visitors right now, but I'll let you know when she is"

• Don't force her to entertain guests—you host if people come over

6. Monitor Her Symptoms and Watch for Worsening

Keep track of whether she's improving or declining:

• Is she crying more or less than last week?

• Is she sleeping/eating/showering regularly?

• Is she engaging with the baby, or withdrawing further?

• Has she mentioned thoughts of self-harm or hopelessness?

• If symptoms worsen after 2 weeks or she's not improving with treatment, escalate care (call her therapist, contact her OB/GYN, or go to ER if needed)

Common Mistakes Partners Make (and How to Avoid Them)

Trying to "Fix" Her Feelings

Depression isn't a problem to solve with logic. Don't try to rationalize her feelings away ("But you have so much to be grateful for!"). Instead, validate: "I hear you. That sounds really hard."

Taking Her Irritability Personally

If she's snapping at you constantly, it's a symptom of PPD (or postpartum rage), not a reflection of her feelings about you. Don't escalate by getting defensive. Set a boundary calmly: "I understand you're struggling, but I need you to speak to me respectfully" while recognizing this is part of her illness.

Waiting for Her to "Get Back to Normal"

PPD doesn't resolve on its own. Don't wait weeks or months hoping it will pass—it often worsens without treatment. Early intervention leads to faster recovery. Push for professional help if she won't seek it herself.

Comparing Her to Other New Moms

"Your sister handled this fine" or "My coworker's wife didn't struggle like this" is incredibly harmful. Every mother's experience is different, and comparing breeds shame. PPD is not a personal failure or weakness.

Making Your Needs the Priority

Yes, this is hard for you too. But right now, she's in crisis and needs your support. Save "this is hard for me" conversations for your therapist or friends—not for her during her lowest moments. There will be time to address your needs once she's stabilized.

Ignoring Warning Signs

If she mentions thoughts of self-harm, says "everyone would be better off without me," or exhibits bizarre behavior, take it seriously immediately. Don't assume she's "just venting." Act swiftly—call her therapist, her OB/GYN, or 988 (crisis hotline).

Taking Care of Yourself While Supporting Your Partner

Supporting someone with PPD is emotionally and physically draining. You can't pour from an empty cup. Here's how to sustain yourself:

Seek Support for Yourself

Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your experience. You need an outlet for your stress, fear, and frustration—just not your partner right now. Consider joining a support group for partners of mothers with PPD.

Take Breaks When Possible

If you have family or friends who can help, accept it. Take 1-2 hours a week to do something restorative: exercise, hobby, see a friend. This isn't selfish—it's necessary to avoid caregiver burnout.

Maintain Basic Self-Care

Eat regular meals, get as much sleep as you can, move your body, and avoid self-medicating with alcohol. Taking care of your physical health protects your mental health.

Educate Yourself About PPD

Understanding that PPD is a medical condition (not her fault or a character flaw) reduces resentment and helps you be more patient. Read articles, watch videos, talk to her therapist if allowed.

Set Realistic Expectations

Recovery takes time—usually 3-6 months with treatment. There will be good days and bad days. Progress isn't linear. Adjust your timeline and be patient with the process.

Watch for Your Own Depression

Paternal postpartum depression affects ~10% of new fathers, especially when their partner has PPD. If you're experiencing persistent sadness, irritability, anxiety, loss of interest, or withdrawal, seek help. You deserve support too.

It's okay to not be okay too. Supporting a partner through PPD is one of the hardest things you'll do. If you're feeling overwhelmed, resentful, scared, or exhausted—that's normal. Seek support for yourself. We work with partners at Bloom Psychology as well.

When to Escalate: Getting More Professional Support

🚨 Call 911 or Go to ER Immediately If:

• She has a plan to harm herself or the baby
• She's experiencing hallucinations (seeing/hearing things)
• She's severely confused or has bizarre beliefs (delusions)
• She's unable to function or care for herself at all

⚠️ Contact Her Doctor or Therapist Within 24 Hours If:

• She mentions wanting to die or that others would be "better off without me"
• She's getting significantly worse despite treatment
• She's stopped caring for the baby
• She's refusing to eat, drink, or get out of bed
• She's having severe panic attacks multiple times per day

💙 Schedule Therapy Consultation If:

• Symptoms persist beyond 2-3 weeks postpartum
• She's functioning but clearly not enjoying motherhood
• She's withdrawn or irritable most of the time
• Your relationship is severely strained
• She resists getting help but you know she needs it

Crisis Resources:
• 988 - Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text)
• Postpartum Support International Helpline: 1-800-944-4773 (text "HELP" to 800-944-4773)
• Bloom Psychology for therapy: (512) 898-9510

Support Your Partner—and Yourself

At Bloom Psychology, we work with mothers experiencing postpartum depression AND their partners. We can help you navigate this challenging time, improve communication, and support your partner's recovery while caring for your own mental health.

Schedule Consultation Call (512) 898-9510

Frequently Asked Questions for Partners

How long will my partner's postpartum depression last?

With treatment (therapy and possibly medication), most mothers see significant improvement within 8-12 weeks and full recovery within 3-6 months. Without treatment, PPD can persist for many months or even years. Early intervention leads to faster recovery, so encourage treatment as soon as symptoms are identified.

Will our relationship ever be the same?

Becoming parents changes every relationship—you won't go "back" to pre-baby, but you can build something new and strong. Most couples report that their relationship improves once PPD is treated. The stress of PPD can either break you apart or bring you closer together—how you support each other during this crisis makes the difference. Learn about relationship strain during PPD.

What if she refuses to get help?

Depression impairs motivation and judgment, so resistance to treatment is common. Don't give up. Make the appointment for her and gently but firmly insist: "I know you don't feel like going, but this is important for you and our family. Let's try one session." Sometimes partners need to take charge when their loved one can't. If she continues to refuse and is deteriorating, consult with her OB/GYN about options for involuntary evaluation if she's a danger to herself or baby.

Should I tell her family what's happening?

Ask her permission first if she's capable of making that decision. If she's too unwell to decide or if you need emergency help, you may need to inform close family members. Frame it as "she's struggling and needs support" rather than giving all the details. Protect her privacy while getting necessary help. Avoid telling judgmental family members who might make things worse.

Can I have postpartum depression too, even though I didn't give birth?

Yes. Paternal postpartum depression (PPND) affects approximately 10% of fathers/non-birthing partners. Risk is higher if your partner has PPD, you have history of depression, you're sleep deprived, or experiencing high stress. Symptoms include irritability, withdrawal, loss of interest, anxiety, and feeling overwhelmed. Seek help—you matter too, and taking care of yourself allows you to better care for your family.

Is it okay to feel resentful that I have to do everything?

Yes, it's normal to feel resentful, exhausted, and frustrated when you're shouldering most of the household and baby care. These feelings don't make you a bad partner—they make you human. What matters is that you don't take it out on her and you seek support for yourself (therapist, friends, family). Remember: this is temporary. With treatment, she will recover and be able to share the load again.

How do I balance supporting her with taking care of the baby?

Prioritize: 1) Baby's immediate needs (feeding, diaper changes, safety), 2) Her recovery (sleep, professional help, basic self-care), 3) Household essentials (food, laundry, bills), 4) Everything else can wait. Lower your standards for household perfection. Accept help from others. If you're overwhelmed, consider hiring help (night nurse, house cleaner, meal delivery) even temporarily—the investment in your family's wellbeing is worth it.

Will she ever bond with the baby if she can't right now?

Yes. Difficulty bonding due to PPD is temporary—once depression is treated, the maternal bond develops. Research shows that mothers who receive effective PPD treatment go on to have healthy, secure attachments with their children. The baby won't "remember" this period, and your presence as a consistent caregiver protects the baby during her recovery. Focus on getting her help—the bond will follow.